Member Contributor

5 Ways to Become a Mindful Parent Today

by Shirin Peykar, LMFT

What is Mindful Parenting? Simple: It’s relating to your child from a conscious, respectful place. This model of parenting asks caregivers to be inner-directed as a way of creating an authentic relationship with their child. It involves grounding in the moment, attentiveness to your bodily sensations, open communication, and acceptance of your child’s emotions and your own.

Why should we do it? Children parented from a mindful perspective tend to be inner-directed, peaceful, joyful, competent, aware, confident, attentive, cooperative, self-initiating, secure. Parents also benefit personally by becoming conscious of their undeveloped selves, showing them where they need personal growth. Ultimately, all parents share the goal of wanting to raise a healthy, happy child. Here’s how:

1. Pause. The days when our child is constantly testing boundaries tend to feel overwhelming, irritating, and exhausting. You find yourself becoming triggered, annoyed or angry. When we are angry, the pre-frontal cortex (area of the brain responsible for making healthy choices) is shut down by the amygdala (the area of the brain responsible for fight-flight response). It is in this precise moment that parents resort to yelling because they’re feeling out of control. Consequently, they feel guilt, shame, and self-judgment because it is not aligned with their true self.

Rather than unconsciously react, mindfully respond to the situation by taking a break to pause. Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of 6, 8 or 10 and then exhale slowly through your nose for a count of 6, 8, or 10. Do 3 to 5 rounds of this. This mindful pause can break up the moment of tension where we would normally react with impulsive responses.

2. Mind + Body Scan. Practice checking in with yourself by scanning your bodily sensations + feelings throughout the day. This creates the habit of increasing your ability to stay in the moment. The benefit of this is when you as a parent model feeling, validating, and communicating your feelings/needs, your child learns to connect with and communicate his/hers. Inviting your self-care needs into your consciousness reminds you of the fact that they exist and need your attention.

It may look like this: “Mark, I realized that we haven’t eaten lunch yet. I may have been irritable because of this so let’s eat and then continue our conversation.”

With a younger toddler: “You seem very frustrated. I wonder if you are hungry. Let’s have lunch and we can go back to the playroom afterwards.”

3. Communication. Bring your attention to your words. Make amends when you have made a mistake or acted in a way that’s not aligned with your intention of parenting mindfully. This models open communication, responsibility, and empathy—important characteristics of psychologically healthy adults.

It may look like this: “Sam, I am sorry for making you finish your plate. I should have respected you when you said you were full.”

With a younger toddler: “I’m very sorry I yelled, I shouldn’t have done that. I know that must have felt scary for you.”

4. Connect. Put down your phone, iPad, laptop, and turn off the TV. Set the objective to actively interact with your child, even if it is just you listening or observing. If your child is playing independently, get down on their level and just quietly observe them, commenting or interacting when necessary. Let them feel your presence without meaningless words or interruptions. It will allow for a genuine connection to be created between you and your child and your child and others as they will learn what it means to be present with another person, something that many children struggle with given the domination of the social media era.

If you must take a call or answer an email, apologize to your child for the disruption and let them know you’ll be right back to pick up where you left off. Even placing a phone face down can be distracting. It may not seem obvious to you that you are not present, but children have the ability to intuitively sense it. Although language for feelings have yet to develop in young children, their ability to pick up on feelings through their body is present from birth.

Being present with your child sends the message that they are worthy of your attention, time and respect.

5. Manifest Positive Outcomes. At the end of each day, take 5 minutes before you go to bed to replay the day’s interactions with your child in your mind. Envision one incident that you would have liked to go better. Ask yourself where in that event you could you have been more/better. How could you have interacted in a way more aligned with mindful parenting? Now envision that same event going as you would have liked in your mind. Feel in your body how proud of yourself you are for being a Mindful Parent.

Shirin Peykar, LMFT, is a Los Angeles based Psychotherapist specializing in Mindful Parenting, Young Adults, Women’s Issues, and Divorce. Visit her at www.TalkwithShirin.com.