April Membership Meeting Write-Up — Natalie Jambazian, LMFT

Narcissist: The Skilled Abuser (Part II: Behind the Mask)

Presented by Dr. Catherine Barrett
Licensed Clinical Forensic Psychologist

We had the honor to have Dr. Catherine Barrett present an impeccable topic, Narcissist — The Skilled Abuser (Part 2), to our members at SFV-CAMFT’s monthly meeting on April 14, 2019.

Dr. Barrett is a Licensed Clinical Forensic Psychologist, in practice for over 10 years. She also has her practice at Teen Therapy Center working with families, teenagers, and LGBT youth. Some of her specialties include psychological testing, addiction therapy, and treatment of severe personality disorders, specifically Narcissistic and Antisocial personality disorder.

She explained to us that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental condition of someone who masks their true identity due to past pain they have experienced, leading to a false sense of self. Narcissists display traits such as grandiosity (thinking highly of themselves), entitlement (they think they can break the rules), inability to show empathy, and a lack of responsibility and accountability (it’s not their fault, it’s yours). Narcissism exists on a spectrum: there are those who have healthy narcissism and those on the opposite side of the spectrum, who are considered pathological, such as anti-social behavior, psychopaths and sociopaths. Those with Malignant Narcissism are the most dangerous to work with (if they ever end up in your room). They have no regard for others, have no sympathy, remorse or feel guilty for treating others poorly. They are also known as psychopaths, who display aggression, lack of remorse, pathological lying, superficial charm, and anti-social behaviors. For those who have healthy narcissism and may be aware of its traits, it is important for therapists to set strong boundaries.

Some therapists are not aware, informed or educated enough to work with NPD or survivors of NPD. Many who have had real life experiences with an NPD understand them more than some therapists who might miss the significant, abusive traits a narcissist displays. The reason is because narcissists are very good at manipulation and casting themselves as victims — so much so it can lead those therapists to believe them. Narcissists are not self-aware and will continue to blame others and the world around them rather than take responsibility for their actions. Most malignant narcissists do not attend therapy, and if they do, it is because they can either manipulate a therapist into validating their abusive traits, are court-mandated or compelled by a partner to seek therapy, as the last straw.

Dr. Barrett further informed us that narcissists tend to fulfill their needs through empaths, many of whom will provide constant admiration, adoration, attention, and approval — all critical to their self-esteem. There are many ways clinicians can spot a narcissist. Some of those ways are when an individual presents as well-spoken, self-victimizing, is charming and self-absorbed, and often captivating. And an inexperienced therapist can get caught up in such an individual’s charming use of words, while agreeing with the therapist in order to maintain a good relationship. It is also important to know that domestic violence can be present in a narcissist’s relationships, with the narcissist projecting their actions as blameless, while attributing blame to their partner, instead. Survivors may come to you to seek help. It is vital to understand how a narcissist behaves in order to help those survivors and guide them toward recovery. It is not a good idea to tell survivors to educate their partners on NPD. It can lead the cycle of abuse to continue.

Narcissists do not like to reveal or deal with the triggering emotions they feel, such as shame, guilt, lack of control, and sadness — therefore they try to mask those emotions with the negative/abusive traits they put on display. Narcissists are the way they are because, as children, they were denied the experience of unconditional love by their parents. For that reason, they grow up seeking validation and approval from other people, and as Dr. Barrett mentions, “things to fill the void.” As clinicians, we must help survivors maintain a safety plan including “no contact” with their narcissistic partner. If no contact is not an option, we can teach them how to have “low contact,” and how to respond, not react, to their partner. Survivors have spent months or years defending themselves to their partners, in order to prove they are not “crazy” to think their partner is lying and abusive. Realistically, a survivor cannot have a “normal” and sincere conversation with their narcissistic partner. As clinicians, we cannot encourage such conversations as they will re-traumatize the cycle of abuse. It is not our job to tell survivors to leave a relationship — it is our work to educate the survivors of the abusive traits and sympathize with them, as well as be their sounding board, while helping them accept the reality that, most probably, the narcissist will NOT change.

A quote displayed in Dr. Barrett’s slideshow that made a significant difference for me was: “One of the hardest things to do in life is letting go of what you thought was real.”

Natalie Jambazian is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Anger Management Specialist in Sherman Oaks. Natalie is currently a certified Anger Management Facilitator through Anger Management Essentials and NAMA. Anger Management 818 accepts both volunteers and court-ordered clients. She facilitates groups on Thursdays in Glendale, and is available to see individual clients in Glendale and Sherman Oaks locations. She is also SFV-CAMFT's President-Elect. Her website is www.therapywithnatalie.org