Member Contributor — Sue Cristol, LMFT

Back to Normal?

It is difficult to know where to begin right now. We are in a precarious place. A worldwide pandemic persists despite some of us behaving as if things are “back to normal.” Unable to see our clients face to face, we are figuring out other ways of remaining connected.

As I write this, there have been days of protests here, as well as all over the country (even in other countries) primarily in reaction to the senseless and brutal killing of a man by a police officer in Minneapolis last week. George Floyd’s murder has reignited the spark that has been ready to explode.

Time and time again, we have witnessed this illegitimate police brutality. Taking to the streets is not a new form of protest. I have seen it many times since I’ve been alive and aware. However, this time it seems different. The energy is continuing day after day. All of humanity is participating. Although there has been some bad behavior by a small segment of protesters, it cannot distract us from what’s important. Please do not misunderstand. Violence against persons and property is unacceptable. But to focus on that keeps us from uncovering the ugly truths that our country has tolerated for too long. When the people rise up for justice and peace, we need to listen, be proud of and appreciate protesters’ willingness to take many risks for what they believe matters.

As therapists, we are taught about acceptance and unconditional positive regard, about validating one’s self-worth, individuality, abilities, and skills. We champion our clients’ self-determination and assertiveness. We hold the hope for them when they are unable to. We focus on strengths and use them to strengthen vulnerabilities.

Part of the job of being a therapist is that that we understand and endeavor to do these things for our clients. We know that confirming one’s worth as more than a number on a paycheck supports self-determination and self-esteem. At times, we need to be the holder of hope for clients who despite their best efforts, cannot seem to accomplish their goals, find peace within themselves. Many times, feelings of hopelessness and despair in individuals lead to depression, substance use and/or abuse, violence towards oneself or others, or just giving up. There are many ways people punish themselves for “not measuring up.”

When we look at the antecedent to a group’s violent behavior (some of which we saw during demonstrations that continue), it is actually this sense of hopelessness and despair that pushes certain individuals to beyond the breaking point. Taking away hope, focusing on deficits rather than strengths, disrespecting one’s right to individuality, denying equal treatment—all of these things happening over decades or even centuries result in a traumatic reaction we often see in our practices with individuals and families. Without hope, our efforts seem futile and we sometimes give up.

Over these past weeks, we have seen our country unite in protest, not just in protest over one killing of one man, but of decades of killings, of inequality and indifference. If only more of our leaders would model what we provide our clients, many more Americans could possibly be willing to participate in the change that has to occur.

As a society and country, the change toward what we know is right and just must happen for all citizens. When we can achieve this, there will have been true progress made.

Susan Cristol, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She works with children, adolescents, couples or adults. Susan stays current on research in the field of special education, as well as research and the many writings in the areas of psychology, sociology and marriage and family therapy. Her specialized training includes (but not limited to) cognitive behavioral therapy, trauma and abuse, domestic violence and play therapy. She may be reached 818.426.5546 or at https://susancristol.com/contact.