Member Contributor — Steven Unruh MDiv., LMFT

Surviving a Narcissistic Marriage:
Understanding the complexities of living with a Narcissist

Living day after day with someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder creates an environment, in which you find yourself constantly overwhelmed and confused. Eventually you begin to distrust yourself, questioning your own reality, wondering if in fact you are the problem, the narcissist. A narcissist has a way of presenting their distorted reality to others in such a convincing manner, that one begins to believe their spouse's projections and lies. You become swept up in their reality. A narcissist is completely convinced of their own reality. They have begun what the late Scott Peck MD called, "The People of the Lie."

The most basic definition of a narcissist is someone who lacks empathy, someone who lacks the capacity for self-insight and self-observation. They lack an observing ego. An observing ego allows us to see how people respond to us. We can see and feel how we are impacting those around us. We are able to alter our behavior in response to recognizing the feelings of others and our impact upon them.  

Dealing and communicating with a narcissist requires you to become totally indifferent. Although inside you are terrified, you need to act ‘bored’ with the narcissist. This involves strong ambivalence. It requires the ability to remain emotionally separate and enforce significant consequences for their actions. This attitude on your part will of course enrage them, creating a narcissist wound. Yet, your sanity and safety require you to have strong boundaries.

Consequences, boundaries and indifference are key — methods for avoiding entanglement. 

Steven Unruh is a licensed MFT and a Divorce Mediator. He is the owner of Unruh Mediation. Steven works with high conflict divorce. He has two graduate degrees from Fuller School of Psychology and Fuller School of Theology, Pasadena, CA. He is the father of 3 young men. He loves hiking, running, fishing, reading and dancing.