Member Contributor — Sue Cristol, LMFT

How To Do Couples Therapy Without the Couple

I don’t know about you, but there always seems to be at least a few individual clients in my caseload that desperately need couples therapy but continue to focus on the problems with the relationship rather than work on their own issues.

How do I assure that my client feels heard and supported and steer them away from focusing on their partner’s shortcomings at the same time? Is this an unrealistic expectation? When a couple having communication conflicts are each engaged in their individual therapy, the general idea is for the individuals to work through their own issues that are negatively impacting the success of the partnership.

Certainly, the issues with the troubled relationship will come up. However, when the entire session gets highjacked with criticisms and objections about the other, the client loses the opportunity to look at how their own defenses, insecurities, past traumas, etc., play a part in the communication breakdown. Reminding the client that it is their therapy and not couples therapy (their partner is unavailable to provide the other perspective) sometimes helps for a bit. My philosophy is always attempt to give the client the steering wheel. However, aren’t I doing a disservice to my client if I allow her to drive off the road into a ditch?

Revisiting the original treatment plan sometimes is effective at getting the car back on the road. (Ok, enough with the driving metaphor!) The fundamental issues that brought the client into therapy in the first place can serve as a guide to bring the client back once again to his own stuff. These issues, whether they are “core beliefs” that need to be updated or replaced, cognitive distortions, unresolved trauma, losses that have not been mourned; to mention a few, play an integral part in the communication difficulties in the partnership.

When we are able to give the client a safe space to process the feelings, be seen and heard, and break through the barriers that are constructed to protect against feeling the shame that often accompany past relationships and situations, progress can occur. Yes, part of our role is to listen to the client’s criticisms of others in her world without judgement. There may not be another objective ear. And sometimes it’s so easy to let the session go by without ever addressing those “fundamental” issues. Occasionally that may happen and I suppose it is what’s needed at that time.

If we have established a therapeutic alliance based on honesty and transparency, we’ll be able to challenge our client to remain on track so that he can get the most benefit from the session. Together, we will work through the uncomfortable parts. For those clients intent on focusing on their partner’s issues rather than their own, it will be a real challenge keeping them from engaging in “couples therapy without the couple”. In those instances, we can strongly make the recommendation to give couples therapy a try. It is their decision to follow the recommendation or not.

Susan Cristol, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She works with children, adolescents, couples or adults. Susan stays current on research in the field of special education, as well as research and the many writings in the areas of psychology, sociology and marriage and family therapy. Her specialized training includes (but not limited to) cognitive behavioral therapy, trauma and abuse, domestic violence and play therapy. She may be reached 818.426.5546 or at https://susancristol.com/contact.