Member Contributor — Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

Breaking Free From The Shame of Divorce

It was 11:45 pm, and Anna was still scrolling through her social media feed, admiring the picture-perfect marriages of her friends. Their happiness was splashed across the screen in technicolor — Sunday family brunches, romantic weekend getaways, precious moments of love and laughter. With each passing post, her heart sank deeper into an abyss of isolation. Anna was about to go through a divorce, and she was consumed by a crushing sense of shame, fearful of the judgment from family, friends, and her religious community. But here’s the thing — Anna was not alone. And neither are you.

The Unspoken Pain of Divorce

Anna’s ordeal represents the external problem many face during divorce — the perceived happiness of others’ marriages compared to their own crumbling relationship. Internally, these individuals grapple with self-blame and fear of exposing their ‘failures.’ According to research, approximately 40-50% of US marriages end in divorce, yet many struggle in silence, wrestling with their emotional turmoil alone, due to societal norms and expectations. The philosophical problem, the injustice in this, lies in the assumption that divorce is synonymous with failure. It’s not, and it shouldn’t be perceived this way.

A Different Path Through Divorce

As an experienced divorce mediator with over 30 years in the field, I’ve witnessed countless individuals like Anna. I understand the fears, the self-doubt, and the struggle. I am here to tell you that there is another way through this ordeal.

1. The Power of Acceptance

The first step towards overcoming the shame associated with divorce is acceptance. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment and remember that it’s okay to grieve the loss of your marriage. This process allows you to start healing, reducing the stigmatizing feeling of shame.

2. Finding Support in Others

As per a study by the American Psychological Association, individuals going through a divorce greatly benefit from a strong support network. It can be friends, family, or support groups. Others have walked this path before you and their shared experiences can provide comfort and guidance.

3. Reframing Divorce

How you perceive divorce plays a significant role in your emotional well-being. Consider viewing divorce not as a failure, but as a courageous step towards a more fulfilling life. A research by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that this reframing process can have a profound impact on mental health.

4. Self-Care and Wellness

During this emotionally taxing period, prioritizing self-care is crucial. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep can greatly reduce stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms, according to Harvard Medical School.

5. Engage in Divorce Mediation

Choosing divorce mediation over litigation can make the process less adversarial. Mediation encourages open communication, mutual respect, and compromise, providing an emotionally healthier environment during this transitional phase.

Moving Forward Takes Courage

You might wonder, “Isn’t it easier to hide my pain? To pretend everything’s fine?” Short-term, perhaps. But in the long run, the mask weighs heavy. Letting go of the shame and seeking support will allow for a healthier emotional state and better future relationships.

Your Next Steps

Imagine a future where you’re no longer shackled by shame, where you can openly share your story without fear of judgment, and build stronger, healthier relationships. By accepting your feelings, seeking support, reframing your perception of divorce, prioritizing self-care, and considering divorce mediation, this future can be yours.

It’s time to break free from the shadows of divorce stigma. You are not alone. You have not failed. You are merely at the start of a new journey. Your journey. And remember, every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. Embrace the change. Embrace your new life.

Steven Unruh is a licensed MFT and a Divorce Mediator. He is the owner of Unruh Mediation. Steven works with high conflict divorce. He has two graduate degrees from Fuller School of Psychology and Fuller School of Theology, Pasadena, CA. He is the father of 3 young men. He loves hiking, running, fishing, reading and dancing.

Reprinted from blog post from June 9, 2023.