Member Columnist — Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

My Mother wasn’t Perfect!

After the birth of my first son, I felt such joy. I wanted to be the best dad in the world. As a new parent, I took time to reflect on my own childhood, my mother and her ability to parent us 3 kids.

“Was my Mother Good Enough?” It’s a question that finds its answers not just in the overt acts of caregiving but in the subtle interstices of everyday life where patience, understanding, and sacrifice unfold.

The concept of the “good enough mother“ was created in 1953 by pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott. In essence, the good enough mother provides emotional and physical support for their child. They are emotionally available to the child’s needs, and they take care of the physical needs of the child such as food and shelter and safety. This sense of safety and care allows our children to develop their own identity. Providing adequate emotional support teaches our children self- regulation.

My mother was far from perfect. My mother’s life was not devoid of pain or difficulty. Her depression and the impact of an unfulfilling marriage revealed itself in my childhood when many times she was unavailable and overwhelmed.

No mother or father is flawless, and my mother was no exception. Yet, amidst life’s chaos, she stood as a beacon of resilience and love, her actions echoing through the corridors of my upbringing and profoundly shaping the way I raised my own children. While raising 3 boys, I often compared my parenting style and skill, or lack thereof, to the way my parents raised me.

So what is a good enough Father, Mother, Parent?

Emotional Availability

A good mother prioritizes being emotionally available to her children. This means setting aside her own needs at times to fully engage with and understand her children’s feelings and experiences. This kind of presence fosters a secure environment, where children feel valued and understood. My mother exemplified this through her attentive listening and empathetic engagement. I felt acknowledged.

Consistency and Discipline

Discipline is a cornerstone of effective parenting, but it doesn’t necessitate harshness. I can honestly say that I rarely remember my mother yelling…( except when as a teen she caught me with illegal substances)! My mother rarely raised her voice. I adopted this approach with my own children, setting clear boundaries and consequences. This method teaches respect and accountability in a nurturing manner.

Encouragement and Support

Despite her personal struggles, including bouts of depression, my mother was a relentless encourager. She bonded with us as a caregiver. This encouragement bolstered my self-esteem and ambition, qualities I cherished and sought to pass on to my own children.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. The concept of a ‘perfect mother’ creates guilt and discouragement as we strive to parent our children in healthy ways.

Application

Rather than focusing on certain skills with regards to parenting in which you feel lacking, put your energy and focus on what you -do -best. Focus on the ways in which you do provide safety and love. Acknowledge the ways that you take care of your children and show them compassion. CELEBRATE YOURSELF and the fact that you are “GOOD ENOUGH.”

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT is a licensed MFT and a Divorce Mediator. He is the owner of Unruh Mediation. Steven works with high conflict divorce. He has two graduate degrees from Fuller School of Psychology and Fuller School of Theology, Pasadena, CA. He is the father of 3 young men. He loves hiking, running, fishing, reading and dancing.