Cinema Therapy — Charlyne Gelt, Ph.D.

Marriage Story

“Some husbands and wives think they are spending time together when,
in reality, they are only living in close proximity.”
Gary Chapman

According to the statistics, half of American marriages end in divorce. Marriage Story is a gut-wrenching film about one of these failed marriages and what happens to a couple after they have fallen out of love. It is based on the real-life, semi auto-biographical story of the film’s author and director, Noah Baumbach, and his relationship struggles with his former wife, actress Jennifer Jason Leigh. They married in 2005 but divorced in 2013.

What begins as a loving relationship for the characters Charlie (Adam Driver) and Nicole (Scarlett Johansson), a couple with a lot in common, turns into a heartbreaking, emotionally exhausting, and legally horrific journey through the various stages of marital dissolution. Nicole has moved their young son, Henry, to California to pursue her acting career while Charlie, a writer, is hellbent on staying in Manhattan. We want to root for them to resolve their conflicts because we know they care for each other, imperfect as they each are, but instead things escalate rapidly into intense and bitter arguments during which they dredge up everything they dislike about each other just to throw daggers and deeply wound each other.

Enter the Lawyers
Initially, the couple attempts to dissolve the marital relationship amicably. But there is no peaceful resolution to be had. The real horror part starts when the lawyers enter the picture and start manipulating their clients right into divorce court. These legal battle scenes are almost enough to scare anyone’s marriage straight! Communication is off the table as everyone wants only to argue and hurt the other. Like the movie Kramer vs Kramer (Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep), made over a generation ago, it is a devastating portrayal of the hardships of parenting while trying to make a failed relationship work.

Psychological Implications
“Our future is created from choices we make in each moment.” — Deepak Chopra

Nicole feels loved and has a lot in common with Charlie, so, where does her anger come from? When we fall in love, there is an unconscious expectation of the love object. When I meet you, fall in love with you, I am going to idealize you. I start colluding with you to cement the bond. Then when the knot is tied, the need for the bonding is over, we began to separate from the image I collude with. In Nicole’s case, she tired of not being “me” and became a stranger to Charlie. What is Nicole’s unmet need: validation, approval, belonging? No, Nicole’s unmet need is for autonomy? Previous generations of women, as exemplified by the Glenn Close’s character in the recent movie The Wife, could only achieve their career goals and professional recognition vicariously through the success of their spouse. The Wife supported ― and was actually the talent behind ― her husband’s literary career while putting her own writing on hold. But, unlike Glenn Close’s 1950s character, Marriage Story’s Nicole takes a different route. As a shining star in Charlie’s theatrical company, she comes to the decision that her life has been peppered by the sacrifices she has made so that Charlie could thrive. She is angry, convinced that she took a back seat to support her writer husband. Now, she wants professional recognition. And everyone gets hurt. What gets created is a win/lose dynamic.

The Price of Poor Communication
Marriage Story illustrates the emotional damage done by a couple’s lack of good communication and lack of recognition of the partner’s needs, in this case, Nicole’s career goal. Why do some couples find it so hard to discuss these difficult issues, or communicate openly and honestly about their unmet needs for validation, approval, and personal recognition? Instead, their immature dynamics force them to react from positions of control and rejection, manifested in yelling matches of blame, disrespect, and rage ― so painful to watch on the screen in Marriage Story. With couples like this, challenges and differences of opinion do not get resolved from a responsible, caring adult emotional position. The individuals can’t talk with each other with any respect for their mutual needs. When people are in a reactive state while arguing, they often shift into unwholesome emotions such as blaming, criticizing, judging, attacking or finding fault in order to justify their position. Once a person falls into these negative reactions, they become stuck in one of the three corner stones of a power struggle ― dominating, manipulating and/or controlling. When this happens, it leads to a breakdown in communications. 

Nicole flees to California with her son to make her own life work ― even though it means splitting up their family. And Charlie, despite the pain of not being with Henry, stubbornly stays in Manhattan ― leaving their son caught in between. The needs of the children in such scenarios get pushed aside, so they learn to shut down (act in) or act out as they must adapt to growing up in a divided world of parental marital issues. While there are no villains, just human beings trying to figure it all out, there are victims! Usually the children.

When a marriage comes apart, it’s painful. It’s hurtful. It’s expensive. On a positive note, conflict can create change! When life throws a curve, we can learn from it and grow from it. In a world in which so many couples divorce, it would be ideal if we could all develop strategies to identify and resolve conflict when it happens. If only we could nip it in the bud by sitting down and having a creative win-win dialogue to better understand, even welcome, differing perspectives that might lead to growth, change, and outcomes that could benefit each partner. Empathy is one such effective strategy that can open up a closed system of thinking. But this is a truly difficult concept for people who are engaged at either end of the pole. Both “pleasers” and “controllers” need to learn that other ways of living in the world are possible . . . 1+1=3.

Suffering moments like the ones Charlie and Nicole experienced can lead to soul searching, growth, and change. And this shake-up is life-altering, changing the status-quo of the relationship. Tired of the whole experience, tired of trying to “fix” it, tired of bouncing about in a sea of uncertainty and pain, they walked away. Not everything is fixable. And recognizing that fact is in itself a win.

Then what do couples need in order to help lessen or prevent a painful divorce experience?

• Both partners need to identify unmet needs evolve as individuals;
• Couples needs to identify potential conflicts at the outset of a relationship;
• They each need to learn constructive ways to communicate under pressure;          
• They each need to assume responsibility for their own role in maintaining a healthy relationship;
• They need to take notice and attend to the real victims in their drama: Their child.

That would be a start to creating a happier ending to many a marriage story.

Charlyne Gelt, Ph.D. (PSY22909) is a clinical psychologist who practices in Encino. She leads Women's Empowerment Groups that help women learn the tools to move beyond self-destructive relationship patterns. She may be reached at 818.501.4123 or cgelt@earthlink.net. Her office address is 16055 Ventura Blvd. #1129 Encino, CA 91436.