February Membership Meeting Write-Up — Carissa Lataillade, MA, AMFT, APCC

Overcoming Perfectionism

Presented by Menije Boduryan-Turner, PsyD

It was early Sunday morning, February 6th, 2022, when we all came to learn from the workshop on “Overcoming Perfectionism.” Whatever drew us together on this day, there was some interest in perfectionism and how it affects one’s everyday life. This interest drew our attention to Dr. Menije. It was her enthusiasm that held our attention throughout the workshop.

Dr. Menije is a licensed clinical psychologist. She specializes in treating anxiety disorders, OCD spectrum disorders, and addiction in adults. She began her presentation exploring her struggles with perfectionism and empathizing with her clients who experienced similar struggles. Through her journey, she came to understand how one can become a prisoner of their perfectionism. Dr. Menije expressed that her hope for working with clients is to reframe their judgment to compassion, where they can “embrace imperfection rather than striving for perfection.” 

Dr. Menije transitioned into audience engagement, where she asked chapter members to describe perfectionism in a few words. Several answers lit up the screen as the audience described perfectionism as things like “never making any mistakes” to “striving for the best.” Dr. Menije acknowledged the feedback and defined perfectionism as a quest to be perfect in which there is “this drive, this need, this urge, the pressure we feel to achieve more, be more, and do more.” 

She transitioned into exploring the work of Dr. Paul Hewit and Dr. Gordon Flet’s groundbreaking work in identifying the three Models of Perfectionism. The three models include self-oriented (perfectionism directed at yourself), other-oriented (perfectionism directed towards other people), and socially prescribed (perfectionism from others directed towards self).

Dr. Menije explored how perfectionism can present itself differently and exhibit a few common traits. Perfectionistic thinking patterns can include all or nothing (aka Black or White Thinking), should-statements, magnifying negatives, minimizing positives, and labeling. She highlighted that the key features of perfectionistic thinking include thoughts that use absolute terms that are rigid, irrational, pervasive, excessive, and not sustainable.

She furthered the conversation by exploring the myths of perfectionism and identifying the traits that can show up in a client’s life. She discussed how some myths of perfectionism, such as describing perfectionism as a way of “striving for excellence,” can perpetuate a negative feedback loop/ cycle. The perfectionism cycle is that we set an exceptionally high standard that we can’t meet and therefore engage in self-blame, leading to feelings of fear, shame, inferiority, depression, and burnout.

Perfectionism, she explained, is your inner critic in disguise, which frequently engages in negative self-talk. The root causes of perfectionism are complex and may include parent-child relationships, family history of mental health, school, work, media, and life events.

Perfectionism can co-occur with several mental health diagnoses, including anxiety, OCD, addiction, social anxiety disorder, codependency, imposter syndrome, ADHD, and trauma. Dr. Menije propositioned that exploring your why was the first step in addressing perfectionism. Exploring questions like “What is the impact of perfectionism on my mental health?” are useful exercises to engage clients in session. In addressing perfectionism, she described three essential steps: Compassion over perfection, Courage over perfection, and Connection over perfection.

She described compassion over perfection as choosing to be your best friend and challenging the inner dialogue. She provided examples of daily positive affirmations to help clients embrace self-acceptance, self-compassion, and imperfections.

Courage over perfection focuses on moving out of your comfort zone and learning to do things even when you feel afraid. For instance, reframing the way you see fear and anxiety as indicators that you care and not evidence that you are not good enough. Dare to do the opposite of what perfectionism is telling you by asking yourself, “what would a recovering perfectionist do?” She highly recommended watching Jia Jiang’s TED talk, “What I learned from 100 Days of Rejection.”

Lastly, connection over perfection means showing up authentically so that you can have closer and stronger bonds with others. The first step is to identify how perfectionistic traits impact your relationships and practice healthy interpersonal relationship skills (such as setting boundaries and asking for help).

Dr. Menije wrapped her presentation with a powerful loving-kindness meditation:

May I be respected for my beliefs
May I be free from unwanted touch
May I learn to tune into my authentic inner voice
May I be patient with myself as I discover what is important for me.

Dr. Menije provided an enigmatic presentation on perfectionism filled with skill and charismatic flare as a fellow recovering perfectionist. As thank-you messages filled the Zoom chat, chapter members gave her a resounding clapping hand emoji. One chapter member commented that Dr. Menije’s presentation was “perfect,” which garnered a few chuckles. Ironically, the chapter members couldn’t have agreed more.

Carissa Lataillade, MA, AMFT, APCC, is passionate about empowering individuals and couples to be their best selves and to thrive. A Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Associate Professional Clinical Counselor, Carissa is in private practice under the supervision of Eve Sturges, LMFT. Her areas of interest include depression, anxiety, stress, grief and bereavement, life transitions, identity development, and relational issues. Visit her online at www.paladinmft.com.