Member Contributor — Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

Have You Been Traumatized?

TRUE STORY:

My father lived to a wonderful old age, to his mid-90s. Years ago, he shared with me a story that I had never heard before. He held onto this pain and this memory his entire life. He has held onto this secret for 80 YEARS.

For many of us, we can clearly think back to a time or two in which we believe we were involved in a situation that was very traumatic. But for many people, they do not recognize certain events in their lives as being traumatic. They have either repressed these memories or they have tried to normalize them in a way that allows them to keep ignoring what occurred.

For example, years ago a gentleman told me how he was physically abused by his father growing up. This was evidently a form of discipline. But clearly by any standards it was extremely abusive and involved violence. This individual didn’t see it as such. He did not consider it abusive.

Unfortunately for him, the denial that he had used to ignore the abuse, created significant rage inside of him. His rage has been taken out on his employees, on his children when they were younger, on friendships and his spouse. The result has been a history of ruined relationships.

How Does Someone Ignore Their Trauma?

1. Through Addictions

The most common way that individuals hide the trauma from the past is through ADDICTIONS. We find alcohol, marijuana, gambling, spending, or sex as a means of coping. By immersing ourselves in an addiction, the addiction itself becomes the focus of our lives.

Even if someone is married - raising children - and has a full-time job, they can still be completely wrapped up in an addiction that controls their lives. They often don’t understand the root of this addiction.

They do not realize that their addiction is suffocating the trauma. Although they will experience emotional, financial, and spiritual deprivation, the addiction maintains their denial.

2. We Intellectualize the Trauma

We read stories of other people and realize that our situation wasn’t as bad. We tell ourselves that since other people have it so bad off, we really must not have been traumatized. We also might look at our lives and think that everything is fine. We push aside the thoughts that question our emotional well-being.

We ignore that voice inside of us that says we need to look at this pain.

Why Do We Ignore Trauma?

1. Fear

Having been in this field for three decades, I think one of the strongest reasons people refuse to deal with her trauma is because of fear. We could be terrified of dealing with the past. It could seem far too overwhelming to face it. We want our lives to be predictable. It seems far too unpredictable and scary for many people to investigate their past.

We might be afraid that we could become completely overwhelmed and physically incapacitated. We are uncertain as to what we will uncover, and we are uncertain as to how deep this pain goes. This fear of the unknown prevents us from moving ahead in life and dealing with past trauma.

2. Shame

THE STORY OF MY FATHER IS RELATED TO SHAME.

Sadly, it wasn’t until near the end of his life that he shared with me his story. I believe that his religious upbringing caused him enormous shame around this story. Not that his faith was wrong, but it was how his community instructed him about his faith that brought about this shame. His community was extremely conservative, with very strict moral standards. Shame was often used as a means of keeping adults as well as teenagers in control. It was this misplaced and false shame that caused him to keep this memory a secret.

What You Can Do

1. Create a Ritual

As clinicians, we have probably assisted our clients in creating a ritual that fits their situation. It’s a very powerful experience. It could be planting a tree which represents life and spiritual growth. It could also be burning something that represents the past and throwing it into the wind.

2. Confide in a Trusted Friend

Besides receiving professional care, sharing your secret with a trusted friend is a very powerful and healing experience. We need care and acceptance from someone who knows us. This deeper knowledge of us will bring us a stronger sense of acceptance not just by this person but acceptance of ourselves.

3. Always Seek Professional Help

You will want to research the background of your therapist to see that they are trained in dealing with trauma. There are many very effective and scientifically proven treatments for trauma such as EMDR, Brain Spotting and Havening.

“It is the journey of Self-Acceptance that liberates us from Shame.” -Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

Steven Unruh is a licensed MFT and a Divorce Mediator. He is the owner of Unruh Mediation. Steven works with high conflict divorce. He has two graduate degrees from Fuller School of Psychology and Fuller School of Theology, Pasadena, CA. He is the father of 3 young men. He loves hiking, running, fishing, reading and dancing.