Member Columnist — Kim Scott, LMFT

Navigating the Complex Landscape of Gray Divorce:
Understanding the Phenomenon and Its Implications

Recently I talked to a friend I hadn’t seen since pre-covid days. Upon reconnecting I learned that she and her husband had divorced. I was shocked and saddened to hear this. They met in college and were together for 48 years. They have 2 adult children and seemed happy when we spent a weekend together in October 2019. The thought of my friend and her husband calling it quits after a lifetime together really got me thinking and reading about this phenomenon called gray divorce.

The phenomenon of gray divorce has become increasingly prevalent, reflecting a significant shift in societal norms and values surrounding long-term relationships. The term refers to couples who are 50 years or older and choose to dissolve their marriages, often after decades of being together. This trend has more than doubled over the last decade: going from 4.87% to 10.05%, while the divorce rate for younger couples has decreased by 1% going from 19% to 17.9%. This shift raises questions about the evolving dynamics of marriage, personal fulfillment, and the challenges faced by older adults embarking on a new chapter of their lives.

The increase in gray divorces can be attributed to several interrelated factors. First, the cultural landscape surrounding divorce has evolved, with no-fault divorce laws making separation more socially acceptable. However, simply attributing the rise in gray divorces to legal permissibility overlooks deeper societal shifts, particularly since the divorce rate of younger couples has decreased.

Looking deeper, two other variables become apparent. As people live longer, often into their 80s and beyond, the prospect of spending decades in an unfulfilling marriage becomes less tolerable. In the 1950’s the average life expectancy in the United States was 68.2 years and as of 2022 it had increased to 78.8 years.

During this same timeframe our society has embraced an emphasis on personal growth and fulfillment, further reinforces the notion that staying in a stagnant relationship is no longer a necessity.

While the reasons for gray divorces mirror those of younger couples—infidelity, financial disagreements, communication issues, and evolving priorities—the consequences can be more profound. Many couples delay divorce until their children are grown and out of the house, only to find themselves facing the reality of a relationship that has lost its spark. The transition from being parents to empty nesters can unearth fundamental differences and lead to a reassessment of the relationship. The couple may find that they no longer have anything in common. I saw this firsthand when my kids were graduating from High School. The school they attend had a community group session for parents of the graduating class. In this group the parents were encouraged to process their feelings about their children leaving home. At least 10% of the parents expressed fear of being ‘just the two’ of them again. They no longer saw themselves as a couple or even friends, but just as co-parents.

The research has also found that there is a gray ‘divorce penalty’ that is gender specific. Women often experience an economic penalty, as they may have lower earnings and reduced Social Security benefits compared to men.

On the other hand, men pay a toll socially particularly if their friendships revolved around couple-based activities. Older men may golf, go to baseball games, or discuss investing with their friends but their wives are often their primary sources of emotional support. Additionally, the dynamics of parent-child relationships can shift, with mothers typically maintaining closer ties to adult children, leaving fathers feeling disconnected.

The woman’s relationship with their adult children tends to be stronger because so often the wife was the primary caretaker when the children were little and this bond and caretaking continued through adolescence, college and beyond. Sadly, this means that the divorcing father has less connection and support from his adult kids. This is even more apparent when it comes to father-daughter relationships. Daughters often identify more with their mothers, making a wedge between their relationship with their dads.

The emotional toll of gray divorce is significant, encompassing grief over the loss of the marriage, dashed hopes for the future, the disruption of family dynamics, and the lost hope of happily ever after. Mental and physical health can also suffer, especially for those who do not enter new relationships post-divorce. However, amidst the challenges lie opportunities for personal growth and self-discovery. Both parties have the chance to rebuild their lives according to their own aspirations, fostering independence and resilience in the process.

As therapists, it is crucial to support clients considering gray divorce by facilitating a comprehensive evaluation of the pros and cons. This includes examining the financial and social implications, as well as the potential impact on family relationships and emotional well-being. Therapy can offer a space for couples to explore whether their issues can be resolved through counseling or if divorce is the best path forward. Ultimately, by providing guidance and support, therapists can help individuals navigate the complexities of gray divorce and transition into a new chapter of their lives with confidence and clarity.

Kim Scott, LMFT (MFT21184) is a licensed marriage, family and child therapist. She has a private practice in Granada Hills where she works with couples and individuals, in-person and via Telehealth.  Kim has been licensed for 30 years and has expertise in working with older adults and women issues. To learn more about Kim's practice and to read more of her articles visit www.kimscottmft.com.