Member Columnist — Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

The Truth About Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse can occur on a personal level or on a global level, such as a particular religion, or a local church, or in a marriage. Spiritual abuse occurs when someone uses religious beliefs for the purpose of coercion and exploitation. This exploitation always involves emotional and mental. It also seeks to have financial control over the other person. Many instances of spiritual abuse involve physical and sexual exploitation.

The goal of spiritual abuse is to keep the other individual or an entire group in submission to the leaders’ whims and wishes. He or she uses this position by quoting particular passages from their religious book. They use these passages to keep people in submission. These selected passages are often misconstrued and taken out of context in order to achieve their personal goals.

Illus: When I first moved to Pasadena I heard about a ‘cultic church-denomination’ nearby. At that time, it was worldwide. It no longer exists. I have met and spoken personally to several individuals who got out of that cult church. Members had to give a monthly account of their income to the church leaders. Then it was evaluated by the leaders whether they were giving enough money to this group. Members were regularly told that they could never question the teachings of these church leaders. They had to follow whatever they were instructed to do. No other church could be trusted. These individuals expressed fear that if they ever questioned the leadership or left the church that they would be condemned.

Don’t think for yourself. “Your spouse Knows better than you.’’

Spiritual abuse means that you are not allowed to disagree. You are not allowed to think for yourself and ask questions or challenge your spouse. You are being victimized and yet feel guilty for even thinking this way.

Confusion.

When trapped in a spiritually abusive relationship, at times you are confused. The goal is to KEEP YOU CONFUSED. You turn on yourself and feel guilty for not trusting this person, spouse, pastor or priest.

You are told that you DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH FAITH. So you turn on yourself. Sadly, as a result you live a life as a victim, imagining that you have no real power nor self-determination.

Myself: As a spiritual individual myself, and having raised my boys in our local church, I have always taught them to think for themselves. I have taught them to evaluate and examine things that they hear and read. I have raised them in a way so that they would speak out and stand up for themselves.

As a licensed psychotherapist, I have seen dozens of cases over the years where people are under the control of spiritual abuse. I especially see this in cases of divorce.

Many religious groups condemn and chastise individuals who seek to get a divorce. I have had clients who have received threatening emails and phone calls from other parts of the world, Europe, Africa, the Middle East, who are from their religious background. I have also had clients where the local priest or pastor has come knocking on their door, along with other church leaders, to intimidate and harass the individual who is seeking a divorce.

"The Silver Chair" by C.S. Lewis.

Once you get out from under the control of spiritual abuse, you wake up and realize you have been under a spell. You have been living under a LIE. You finally have your own voice. The LIE is that you cannot trust yourself and our own intelligence. You are supposed to ignore feeling humiliated and confused. But the confusion is a sign that something is very wrong.

What can you do?

1. At first you will need to remove yourself from this abusive relationship. This may mean moving out. You must get out from under the spell in order to make clear headed decisions.

2. You need to seek professional help. You need to seek out someone who is NOT a part of your denomination or religious group. This individual needs to be a "licensed clinician." a marriage and family therapist, a psychologist, or a social worker.

3. Also, group therapy is very powerful. One example would be a group that specializes in codependent relationships. You will hear other stories of other men and women who are living in fear from controlling and emotionally abusive relationships.

You will then find your VOICE and POWER to take back your life and make your own decisions.

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT is a licensed MFT and a Divorce Mediator. He is the owner of Unruh Mediation. Steven works with high conflict divorce. He has two graduate degrees from Fuller School of Psychology and Fuller School of Theology, Pasadena, CA. He is the father of 3 young men. He loves hiking, running, fishing, reading and dancing.