Cinema Therapy — Charlyne Gelt, Ph.D.

Two Marriages:
Comparing The Story of Us and Marriage Story

Every ending is also a new beginning.

Depending on which poll or study you read, between 40-50% of all first marriages in this country end in divorce. But things rarely start out that way. In the beginning of the film The Story of Us (Bruce Willis as Ben; Michelle Pfeiffer as Katie), we get a taste of the happier times: the playfulness, the flirting, the courtship, and falling in love. But after fifteen years of marriage, things have changed and Ben’s and Katie’s marital problems are severe enough to threaten their relationship. They are at a crossroads. They have to decide if they want to try to salvage their marriage, or if it's time to move on.

In the movie Marriage Story (Adam Driver as Charlie; Scarlett Johansson as Nicole), it’s the same thing. It starts out well — a couple with a lot in common fall in love and get married, but over time their relationship turns into a heartbreaking, emotionally exhausting, and legally horrific journey through the various stages of marital dissolution. Nicole has moved their young son, Henry, to California to pursue her acting career while Charlie, a writer, is hell-bent on staying in Manhattan.

What has gone wrong? What has happened in these marriages that has led them to such an impasse?

“What happened?” is what I want to focus on here by comparing these two gut-wrenching tales. Couples fall in love and out of love. Why do some see their marital crisis as a final stopping point, an ending, while others see it as a turning point, a possible new beginning?

In the first movie, The Story of Us, Ben, a comedy writer, and Katie, who designs crossword puzzles, are trying to figure out the complexities of their marriage and diagnose what turned their once loving relationship into a sham — two good folks, with two good kids, who now live clothed in anger and misery but hang in there for the benefit of their children. Behind the scenes, they vent their animosity; they can no longer stand each other. After sending their kids off to summer camp, Ben and Katie agree to a trial separation. In flashback scenes, we see them both seriously reflect on what led them to fall in love in the first place, and then what happened? Katie’s primary complaint is that Ben does not “hear” her. We can identify with the issues driving their marital crisis and are privy to the yelling matches, the erosion of a sense of self on both sides, the whittling down of self-esteem. When a marriage comes apart, it’s painful. It’s hurtful and to bear witness to it. Their children are a major source of what encourages them to search for their own role in their marital problems. They demonstrate that some couples can make positive changes, no matter how difficult. The characters validate that conflict and better communication can create change! When life throws a curve, we can learn from it and grow from it. Ben and Katie do ultimately find a way to communicate their individual needs and turn a corner.

On the other hand, Marriage Story is another story. Though Nicole and Charlie have a lot in common and Nicole feels Charlie’s love for her, she feels an undercurrent of anger. What is the basis of her anger? In Nicole’s case, her main complaint is that she feels she has lost her autonomy. As she puts it, she’s tired of “not being me” and becomes a stranger to Charlie. She gave up “me” to be loved by “you!”

When we fall in love, there is an unconscious expectation of the love object. When I meet you, fall in love with you, I am going to idealize you. I start colluding with you to cement the bond. Then, when the knot is tied, the need for the bonding is over, and I began to separate from the image I had unconsciously colluded with. Previous generations of women, as exemplified by the Glenn Close’s character in the recent movie The Wife, could only achieve their career goals and get professional recognition vicariously through the success of their spouse. The Wife supported ― and was actually the talent behind ― her husband’s successful literary career while putting her own writing on hold. In Marriage Story, Nicole, unlike Glenn Close’s 1950s character, takes a different route. As a shining star in Charlie’s theatrical company, she comes to the decision that her life has been peppered by the sacrifices she has made so that Charlie could thrive. She is angry, convinced that she took a back seat to support her husband. Now, she wants professional recognition of her own. And everyone gets hurt. What gets created is a win/lose dynamic.

Like the movie Kramer vs Kramer (Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep), a movie made over a generation ago, Marriage Story is a devastating portrayal of the hardships of parenting while trying to make a failed relationship work. When Nicole flees to California with her son to make her own life work as an actress, and Charlie stubbornly stays in Manhattan ― it splits up their family, leaving young Henry caught in between. The needs of the children in such scenarios get pushed aside, so the child learns to shut down (act in) or act out as they must adapt to growing up in a divided world of parental marital issues.

Psychological Implications
What do these two stories have in common and how do they differ?

Suffering moments like those experienced by the characters in both The Story of Us and Marriage Story can either lead to soul searching, growth, and change ― or they can spell the end of the relationship forever. In both films we witness dysfunctional relationship dynamics, dominance/submission struggles, lack of communication about unmet needs, the slippery balance between the "I" and the "we," and how partners can both build each other up or put each other down.

These issues are all real challenges in couples' therapy, especially since couples can view marriage from such totally different perspectives, running the gamut from love and respect to seeing marriage as a game of "what's in it for me." It's no surprise that many unhappy marriages grow out of unfortunate backgrounds where the dynamics of dominance and submission overshadow healthier themes of reciprocity, mutual respect, and respect for the partner's need for the emotional space to develop their own best potential as an individuals.

In The Story of Us, we see the whittling down of Katie’s self-esteem, believing she carries no “weight.” How many wives feel the same way, feel they are not “heard” and "should" take a back seat to their man? These issues get played out in the bedroom where anger blocks what was once a loving connection. And when kids are involved, it leaves them bruised from the parental pain, and without coping mechanisms. They learn to run from problems instead of growing from them.

In real life, many couples go through the kinds of stressful periods as illustrated in both films: lack of communication, co-dependency, emotional and verbal abuse, blame, resentment, grief, self-doubt, hopelessness and divorce ― leaving each one feeling "squeezed like a lemon," as psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg described it.

The main message in The Story of Us, unlike Marriage Story, is optimism, similar to Tyler Perry’s film Why Did I Get Married? No matter how difficult things get, relationships can be salvaged if a couple is motivated to own their own role in creating the problems and work to repair the damage, beginning with self-reflection, followed by understanding how things got off track. Running away from issues isn't the answer. The rewards for staying put and mending what's broken may create a healthier relationship.

Both films have in common the characters’ reactive states of mind. When people are in a reactive state while arguing, they shift into offensive emotions such as blaming, criticizing, judging, attacking or finding fault in order to justify their position. Once a person falls into these negative reactions, they become stuck in one of the three cornerstones of a power struggle: dominating, manipulating, and/or controlling to get unmet needs met. No one gets “heard,” which leads to a further breakdown in communications.

The Benefits of Communication
How can we “get heard” while in an angry yelling match? What are the obstacles in identifying each partner’s role in the marital issues?

Marriage Story illustrates the emotional damage done by a couple’s lack of good communication and lack of recognition of the partner’s unmet needs ― in this case, Nicole’s career goal. Why do some couples find it so hard to discuss these important issues, or communicate openly and honestly about their need for validation, approval, and personal recognition? Instead, their immature dynamics force them to react from positions of control and rejection, manifested in yelling matches of blame, disrespect, and rage ― so painful to watch on the screen in both movies. An explosive communication style becomes an obstacle for taking the next step: Resolution of the underlying issues. When we scream and yell, we don’t get “heard” and that remains the couple’s unmet need. In Marriage Story, there’s a scene in which the couple share a bed with their demanding parents, which forces Ben and Katie to acknowledge the family of origin baggage that each one brings into the relationship, whereas in The Story of Us, Nicole and Charlie don’t tap into that silent but powerful territory and therefore the insights are not gained.

With that said, dissatisfaction can shake things up, changing the status-quo of the relationship. Tired of the whole experience, tired of trying to “fix” it, tired of bouncing about in pain, one couple walked away and the other looked inside. In a world in which so many couples divorce, it would be ideal if we could all develop strategies to identify and resolve conflict when it happens. If only we could nip it in the bud by sitting down and having a creative win-win dialogue to better understand, even welcome, differing perspectives that might lead to growth, change, and outcomes that could benefit each partner. Both “pleasers” and “controllers” need to learn that other ways of living in the world are possible . . . 1+1=3.

What do couples need in order to help lessen or prevent a painful divorce experience?
• Both partners need to identify unmet needs evolve as individuals;
• Couples need to identify potential conflicts at the outset of a relationship;
• They each need to learn constructive ways to communicate under pressure;
• They each need to assume responsibility for their own role in maintaining a healthy relationship;
• They need to take notice and attend to the real victims in their drama: Their child or children.

Maybe love can conquer all after all!