Member Columnist — Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

4 Steps to Reclaim Your Confidence After Divorce

Picture this: you’re moving through life after a divorce, striving to make sense of your world while doubts about yourself linger. You once felt secure and valued, but now that inner confidence feels a bit lost, and questions of worthiness seem louder than ever. You’re not alone in this experience, and more importantly, you don’t have to stay here. There’s a path forward, and it starts with boosting your self-esteem and reclaiming that sense of self-worth that you may have thought was gone.

SO MANY THINGS CHANGE AFTER A DIVORCE.

Divorce isn’t just about parting ways with a partner; it can feel like a part of you is lost. This profound life change brings challenges that ripple through your identity, confidence, and sense of fairness. Here’s how:

A sense of injustice hangs heavy. It feels deeply unfair to feel diminished because of a relationship’s end, yet these negative beliefs can take over, casting a shadow over your confidence and leaving you feeling detached from the person you used to be.

Step 1: Identify Your Worth Outside of the Relationship

The first step to restoring self-esteem is recognizing that your worth is not defined by that relationship. Take time to reconnect with what makes you unique. Write down your strengths, skills, and achievements, and consider how they have positively impacted your life or others. Recognize that you are gifted and that you have had meaningful relationships. Research shows that practicing self-affirmation can reduce stress and boost resilience, especially during times of adversity.

Step 2: Embrace the Healing Process with Self-Compassion

Divorce often brings self-criticism, but turning that into self-compassion is essential. According to a study by Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion can significantly impact overall mental well-being, especially during difficult times. Treat yourself with kindness, allowing room for mistakes and growth. By being gentle with yourself, you foster a stronger foundation for genuine self-esteem.

This is especially true if you have been in a relationship that has caused much confusion and chaos. ‘’Recognize that it will take time to get your thinking back on track. ‘’

Step 3: Focus on Setting Small, Achievable Goals

When everything seems overwhelming, set small, realistic goals. For instance, you might set a goal to try a new hobby or reconnect with an old friend. Accomplishing small milestones will help you see progress and reignite self-belief. Research suggests that achieving small goals can have a profound effect on motivation and self-esteem, giving you tangible reminders of your capabilities.

Step 4: Build Supportive Connections

Surrounding yourself with supportive people can ease feelings of isolation and self-doubt. Reconnect with friends, join a support group, or consider working with a mediator. In a study published by the American Psychological Association, social support was found to be critical in bolstering self-esteem and reducing depressive symptoms following significant life changes.

THE OVERARCHING GOAL is to feel EMPOWERED again. Know that you have had significant impacts of people’s lives. You matter to a lot of people. Take the time you need to foster healing and you will once again feel the joy and power of a strong self-esteem.

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Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT is a licensed MFT and a Divorce Mediator. He is the owner of Unruh Mediation. Steven works with high conflict divorce. He has two graduate degrees from Fuller School of Psychology and Fuller School of Theology, Pasadena, CA. He is the father of 3 young men. He loves hiking, running, fishing, reading and dancing.