Member Contributor — Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

Back to School With a Narcissistic Spouse

The excitement of a new school year, fresh notebooks, and the promise of new friendships should fill the air with anticipation. But for Sarah, married to a narcissistic partner, the school bells ring in an era of discord and turmoil. Decisions that should be joyful, like picking a lunchbox or choosing after-school activities, become battles filled with tension. She’s stuck in a complex problem that’s sapping her energy and joy. Is there a lifeline for Lisa and others in her situation? Can they reclaim the joy of parenting despite their partner’s behavior? The answer might be closer than you think.

Unveiling the Problem
Dealing with a narcissistic spouse means constant disputes, misunderstandings about parenting roles, and a lack of collaboration that affects the children’s educational experience. These conflicts often escalate over trivial matters, draining energy and creating a hostile environment at home. Sarah and others like her feel trapped, fatigued, and emotionally burdened by this ongoing struggle. It feels wholly unjust to have the joys of parenting overshadowed by one partner’s controlling behavior, turning what should be shared joys and responsibilities into sources of stress. The negative impact on the children’s well-being and the relationship’s overall health cannot be ignored. Fortunately, there’s a different way, a path towards understanding, collaboration, and peace that can transform this challenging situation.

The Path Forward: From Chaos to Cooperation
I’m Steven Unruh, a mediator with more than 30 years of experience, specializing in helping couples navigate the complex dynamics that come with dealing with a narcissistic partner. My years of practice have taught me the unique challenges you face, and I understand your struggle on both a professional and empathetic level. I’m here to guide you through this issue by offering some solutions that work, tailored to your specific needs and situation. Together, we can find a path towards better communication, stronger boundaries, and a more harmonious family life.

4 Tips to Help Navigate the Back to School Season

1. Understanding Narcissistic Traits Understanding the traits of narcissistic behavior is a crucial first step in dealing with your spouse. Characteristics such as manipulation, lack of empathy, and a constant need for admiration can often be at the core of many conflicts. Recognizing these specific behaviors allows you to respond more effectively. With this awareness, a foundation for better communication within the relationship can be established, leading to healthier interactions.
2. Communication and Boundaries It’s essential to establish clear communication within the relationship, especially when dealing with a narcissistic spouse. Firm boundaries must also be set to ensure both partners understand what is acceptable. Creating a structured communication plan, including rules on what’s negotiable, can further clarify expectations. Together, these strategies can lead to fewer conflicts and a more harmonious relationship.
3. Embracing Mediation Mediation can create an environment for both partners to express their concerns openly and honestly. By facilitating dialogue, it allows couples to find common ground on important issues. Research shows that couples who engage in mediation often have healthier relationships overall. This collaborative approach is particularly effective when it comes to making parenting decisions, enhancing the family dynamic.
4. Focus on the Children Centering your children’s well-being is an essential aspect of parenting, especially when dealing with a narcissistic spouse. By focusing on their needs and prioritizing their happiness, you can make decisions that truly support their growth. This approach also helps create a smoother transition as the new school year approaches. In prioritizing their needs, you’re laying the groundwork for a successful and fulfilling educational experience.

Addressing Doubts and Fears
You may think mediation won’t work or that your spouse won’t change, and those concerns are valid. However, with professional guidance tailored to your unique situation, real progress can be made. The right strategies and support can open doors to communication and understanding you may have thought were permanently closed. The key is taking that first step towards change, a step that can lead to a more harmonious relationship and family life.

Embrace a Future of Cooperation
Imagine parenting without daily conflict, where decisions about school and your children’s needs are made harmoniously. This vision of peace and cooperation isn’t just a dream; it’s attainable with the right approach. Reach out to me today, and together, we’ll start building the path towards a happier future for your family. Your peace awaits, and the journey begins with a single step. Let’s take that first step together and transform your family life into one of understanding and joy.

Steven Unruh is a licensed MFT and a Divorce Mediator. He is the owner of Unruh Mediation. Steven works with high conflict divorce. He has two graduate degrees from Fuller School of Psychology and Fuller School of Theology, Pasadena, CA. He is the father of 3 young men. He loves hiking, running, fishing, reading and dancing.

Reprinted from blog post from August 7, 2023.